Talk:AT Chapter 2/@comment-26076322-20150217013932
Huh... I seem to have misread a few more times "Aristoclese log" instead of "Aristocles' log" "Aristocles was not a base individual" instead of "Aristocles was not a biased individual" Also "I shall obligate myself and satisfy your request" sounds weird. It makes it seem like he is forcing himself to obey even though he does not wish to. I propose using "I shall obey your wish and satisfy your request(, your Grace (captial G because royality)). :) "Following others always brings a greater interest than those being at the top." This sentence can only be understood by because of context but makes no sense on its own for me. I propose "A life lived following others always bears more fulfillment than living at the top." or "A life lived following someone else is always more interesting than actually leading others". Also "When one stands at the top, the experiences of their lives are lessened due to the weight of the lives of those around them." It should be "the experience of their life" since life is one big experience, the exception being the protagonist as he is actually being reincarnated with his old memories, as opposed to everyone else. I know you could argue that you are talking about several people since "their" is being used but that could also just be used to avoid gender and to keep our precious, precious grammar safe he does say "When ONE stands..." one. As in singular. You can't just go from one person to several. Sounds weird when you read it out loud. <3 I hope you dont mind me proofreading and giving suggestions for your novel White, if you don't like it I will stop, if you don't care I will continue as long as I follow the story and am not too lazy to do it. Edit: Moar suggestions: "the lesser one’s life becomes" -->"the less fulfilling life feels/becomes" (sounds more fluid, avoids another "one's") "To reach the top, you sacrifice all that you are so that you can have power." --> "To reach the top you sacrifice your entire being for the sake of power." (Feels more like your writing style to me...) " To carry those scars holds a great weight that will pull you down while you stand at the top, eventually you will fall due to this weight." --> "Carrying such scars forces a great weight on you, pulling you down while you try to hold your ground, eventually causing your downfall, as you can bear it no longer." If I remember correctly you stated on the re: monster wiki you would rewrite some parts... i think the entire paragraph needs a rework. Not because it's bad just the wording doesn't feel like it is up to your standard... hope the suggestions help. If you would like more input just tell me. It also sometimes feels like the sentences don't connect to well because in your mind you are already a step ahead and continue writing from there onwards, this could be intentional expecting the reading to be smart enough to follow your trail of thought, or you might not even notice it since you are just that deep in the thought itself. I suggest re-reading what you wrote while putting yourself into someone elses shoes who knows only what they previously read about the story. This is kind of time consuming but usually shows where you jumped ahead - maybe you were just tired when you wrote it and didn't pay as much attention as you usually do.